Changing Things for The Better

He choked: ‘I’ve always respected you, Lucy: you’ve come out with what you believe in, in front of everyone and even in front of your parents. I’ve never felt able to do this. My parents still don’t know.’ I realized he was talking about me declaring I was Muslim – and now being a visible scarf-wearing one – and him being gay.

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Ben was concerned this would affect his relationship with his parents – just as I had been when I was 19.

Maybe Ben was worried about being judged as not meeting his parents’ expectations – just as I had been. In the Book Muslims turn to for guidance, the Qur’an, God says “Say: O God! Creator of the heavens and the earth, Knower of the unseen and the seen! It is You who will judge between Your servants concerning that over which they differ”. God is reminding that He is the Judge.

Maybe Ben was afraid he might even be disowned. Banaji, an author and Harvard psychology professor specialising in bias, talks about parents’ reactions to finding out their child is gay. She explains: “You can disown your child or you can change your attitude.”

My conversation with Ben was nearly 20 years ago. Change has happened and has happened fast. Like many in the UK, I now have a member of my wider family who is gay. He has been accepted as that and, like me, embraced by the family.

Yet right now I know three people – all in their late teens and early twenties – who are at different stages of ‘coming out’ to their parents about their Muslim faith. One set of parents suspects, but doesn’t know for sure. For all of them, it is really difficult with their families. I assure these young men and women it will get easier. After all, I’ve heard people say the depth of love of parents for their children exceeds concern for life itself. As a mother myself, I can relate. More people are becoming true to who they are, and that must be a change for the better.

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